Whoo, funny review time now I've finally finished it, twice!<BR><BR>So, to get this clear, I've played through twice, first time as the Renegade, kick-em-in-the-nuts hardcore badass marine with a machinegun and again as the Paragon of all that's friendly, with my lovely pistol and omnitool.<BR><BR>Also, there WILL BE SPOILERS ahead. So stop reading now if you're sensitive about that.<BR><BR>So right off the bat we're introduced with a lovely character maker which is actually rather good and I enjoyed playing about with it to create a gothish harlequin of DEATH. Then I made a look-a-like of Wesley Snipes as Simon Phoenix from Demolition Man - yes, he was the goodie goodie.<BR><BR>So the character models are gorgeous, as you'd expect and the animations too are all wonderful and sweet and even the appropriate intro dialogue that describes your past (as chosen) and introduces you as saviour of the galaxy. Or not, cause I chose 'war hero' and they went ahead to say 'is that the kind of person we want protecting the galaxy?' and I relished getting to watch Udina get punched in the face time and time again, even reloading my save game to see it more than once.<BR><BR>On to the combat then, which seems like a mix of Ghost Recon and... something very much like Ghost Recon, but with magic (cunningly relabelled to Biotics) and some nifty on-the-fly holographic hacking tools. I kept expecing the omnitool to sprout a lightsaber out of Kaiden's ass at any second. At first the shooting is horrible, you get about 2-5 shots on target and then wait 20-40 seconds for the sight to close so you can shoot well again, unless you have a pistol or shotgun, in which case it doesn't matter a jot cause you can just blast away.<BR><BR>I really really wanted to use the sniper rifle a lot too, but more often than not I found that the scope's rediculous swaying makes me want to puke all over that horrible figure of eight it draws constantly. Near the end of the game however, I'd managed to buy a really powerful sniper rifle, and a really powerful stabilising add-on as well as all the sniper rifle talents, which put me in a very good place to use it. Once. I used it once because it shakes and dithers about with every shot the enemy takes, even if they don't land anywhere near you. Not only that, but the enemy seems to want to tie their nonexistant shoelaces every single time I fire at their head, making them dodge the (literal, not proverbial) bullet.<BR><BR>Some of the armour upgrades are useless too but others, which appear useless on first glance actually aren't. There's a series of exoskeleton-whassamacallit upgrades that give you super strength, but in fancier words. Basically, they let you smash enemies in the head with the butt of your gun really really hard. This sounds useless, since it's a tactical shooter mostly, but it's better than it sounds, use cover to stop being shot, and when the enemy comes at you, cave their head in with a well placed smack from your piffling, never upgraded pistol - seriously, that's how I killed Saren at the end, I beat his head in with my pistol.<BR><BR>I've heard complaints about team-mate AI and how much they die, which can be a fair complaint sometimes but having played Kane And Lynch over the course of Saturday night I have to say that the AI in Mass Effect is quite possibly the best thing since sliced bread. I can't fault it for its use of Biotics or tech abilities and more than once I've seen it coordinate an ambush for oncoming Husks or Creepers and just gun them down mercilessly - it's just a shame that it doesn't have the ability to change its own weapons according to situation.<BR><BR>Whatever - I can't fault the AI, so on to something I can fault. Bullets - yes I can complain about bullets. They suck shit. They're that bad. Equip Hammerheads and Incendiary bullets ASAP and you're set to go, it's like firing a spud gun, even with the sniper rifles until you get something that packs a serious punch, like Incendiary IV+ or Hammerhead III+.<BR><BR>By now you're probably thinking where's the funny bit right? Let me tell you, it's in the elevators. I've had almost as much fun making farting sounds while in the slowest elevators this side of Artemis Tau as I have shooting Geth. I mean what's the deal with these things moving one bath tile an hour (Normandy I'm looking at you)? Is it to make the game last longer? To give it time to load the new area? No, I'll tell you what it is, it's to make you appreciate the fact that there's no elevator music, that's what it is.<BR><BR>Where's the content too? There's all this crap about getting romance subplots and side-quests and even hitting level 50 and 60 in the achievements. I finished the game at level 27 having done all the sidequests I found, so where's the romance and where's the questing? I got suspicious when towards the end of the game (a mere half dozen of 'missions') I hadn't had any cause to go to ANY of the clusters not labelled specifically as Noveria, Feros or Whoopdie-Do.<BR><BR>I found a few Probes and various space-crap, presumably from the last Space Odyssey. Strange thing is, apparently my Decryption and/or Electronics skills were usually too low to do anything with them, yet I have enough skill to operate a giant neon holographic SPECULUM on my arm half the time. Where is the justice?<BR><BR>I know where the justice was, it was right where Undina got punched in the face, or the Geth shot down Destiny Ascension, but it wasn't where Shepherd got hit by a Biotic attack that threw her (yes I made a female) in two different directions, thanks to the Matriarch and some Asari Commandos - but Shepherd is some invertebrate super stretchy slim-jim who (when stretched) takes away the use of your start button and all other useful buttons apart from the power off switch. This happened numerous times and I was just about to abandon that save has 'hopelessly glitched' and send it to the abyss of digital purgatory when it was saved by a slice of pizza distracting me and loading it up again, and this time I cowered in a corner while my teammates wiped out the Matriarch with ease and glitch-free.<BR><BR>Time to start wrapping it up, I feel like I've missed a great portion of this game even with two play-throughs and I didn't even get the achievements for using a human and turian squad member FOR THE ENTIRE GAME. Presumably, by the majority of the game it assumes you play the majority of the quests, which sucks cock (the feathery kind) because I never even found them - ANYWHERE.<BR><BR>Needless to say, it's an awesome game and extremely well made for all its (admittedly few) flaws which is an exciting and satisfying experience to play through the main storyline. Now, could someone point me towards the closest mass relay the leads to that massive amount of side-quests that I've somehow taken a wrong turn from and left over the hills and far away (and hills there are, especially on most planets, great big hills that rise into the sky and dwarf your Mako with their unassailable grey heights!)