What I learned about cars watching all 8 Fast & Furious movies in 4 days

The long-running franchise is a bottomless fount of vehicular wisdom.

Read the whole story

 

[greybeardengineer]

You left out this detail:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPSDRNMrS2g

 

[caQsG6Xn94dk]

Whoever this PETER OPASKAR guy is, he sure is funny.

The dichotomy presented in the movie is true for all cultures across all time: do we stick with our traditions, no matter how ungainly, or do we become more adaptive, agile, and fuel efficient? Dude, heavy.

And now we come to 2 Fast 2 Furious, the most ridiculous (and therefore best) title for a sequel. It joins "Electric Boogaloo" as a punchline for all potential sequels from now until the heat death of the universe. Possible examples include 2 Call 2 Name, 2 Temptation 2 Christ, and The Passion of Joan of Arc: Tokyo Drift.

I'm dead.

 

[pokrface]

Whoever this PETER OPASKAR guy is, he sure is funny.

Peter's usual place is in the edit trenches—he does line edits & copyedits on most of the stories that run on Ars in the afternoons. Occasionally he escapes from the pit where we keep him chained and writes something like this, and then we all have to go get our brooms and find him and shoo him back down there.

 

[snappycow]

Guess you should change your name to Peter OFASTCAR

 

[Chemical Tribe]

I can't imagine you'll be the same after doing this. I couldn't sit through the first one without losing any brain cells.

 

[dorkbert]

F&F Franchise - the best Hollywood Physic (r) (tm) has to offer.
Edit: "Kids, don't try this with the family car."

 

[raxx7]

Maybe Peter should get a side job writing reviews for Honest Trailers!

 

[BulkyZ]

What did I learn? That ametures don't use nitrous, cause they'll blow themselves up.

Guess that makes me a pro?

(Tlr for the non mechanically inclined? DO NOT GET GREEDY! Some cars shouldn't even have it installed to begin with even for a giggle. )
https://youtu.be/hac-PvKqKQc (case in point, watch the last 3 minutes)

 

[biffbobfred]

what you learn - everything can be fixed with a car. Need to bring in a chip with GPS coordinates? put it in a classic car. Need to hide a chip that magically hacks every camera? put it in a car. Need to get from one building to another? Jump the gap in a car. Need to get at tanks in a cut off valley? Car...

Oh, and a girl with brain damage can beat both Ronda Rousey and Gina Carano.

 

[solomonrex]

I can't imagine you'll be the same after doing this. I couldn't sit through the first one without losing any brain cells.

But it's like drinking that way, the more you do, the less you'll care. We're all in a fascist nightmare, let's toast the Rock's biceps and burn some rubber and watch the next Marvel Impossible Fast movie.

 

[caQsG6Xn94dk]

What did I learn? That ametures don't use nitrous, cause they'll blow themselves up.

Guess that makes me a pro?

Buddy, I bet you can't even look at a bottle of magic juice without frying your piston rings.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pB-bN-RkJLM

 

[Bronk's Funeral]

Peter's usual place is in the edit trenches—he does line edits & copyedits on most of the stories that run on Ars in the afternoons. Occasionally he escapes from the pit where we keep him chained and writes something like this, and then we all have to go get our brooms and find him and shoo him back down there.

Man, he's far too good to just be a copyeditor. Can we have more from him?

 

[thelee]

Wow, I don't even like the franchise and am only tangentially interested in cars (mostly from a "are we in EV dominance yet" perspective), but I still loved reading this article. Good job!

edit - also TIL that "fount of wisdom" is acceptable possibly even more correct when I've been saying "font of wisdom" my entire life.

 

[Rommel102]

F&F Franchise - the best Hollywood Physic (r) (tm) has to offer.
Edit: "Kids, don't try this with the family car."

If I see these in the theater, I always, ALWAYS, sit in the parking lot for a few minutes after with my windows down.

Listening to everyone rev their minivans and old civics and chirp tires around the parking never gets old.

 

[BulkyZ]

What did I learn? That ametures don't use nitrous, cause they'll blow themselves up.

Guess that makes me a pro?

Buddy, I bet you can't even look at a bottle of magic juice without frying your piston rings.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pB-bN-RkJLM

I've had to replace a few head gaskets. Never had any danger to manifold moments

 

[TheNavvie]

You had me at Liquid Schwartz.

Great work.

 

[WDReinhart]

...a villain's villain with questionable dreads blackmails Vin Diesel into joining her evil scheme to steal the cyber.

Yas.

 

[pintofsimilar]

What many fail to appreciate is the Fast & Furious movies are actually superhero movies and the characters superpowers are CARS. Once you realise that, the movies make perfect sense

 

[eyhk]

Damnit they totally should have called it F8

 

[thinkreal]

Excellently amusing read, the likes not seen since Jade goes to Metricon. Looking forward to another.

However, as a delinquent copy editor, please double check your imagery. "jock jams blast continually from every orifice" eww.

 

[desenfoque]

Fast & Furious 8: It's raining cars, hallelujah !

 

[AbstractGladiator]

I haven't seen any of the movies either, and now I don't have to!

Great article. Much lolz.

 

[Jim Z]

nevermind the fact that the Charger in the first film would have likely been an undrivable mess on the street.

 

[Andrewcw]

What did I learn? That ametures don't use nitrous, cause they'll blow themselves up.

Guess that makes me a pro?

Nah what you learned was when a lawyer had to go over the script and said wait we need you to mention something so legally we can't be sued when every kid on the block installs nitrous. We mentioned professional right?

 

[Lostfanboi]

I just realized what makes these movies so much fun. They're basically the film versions that represent what was going through our heads as we played with Hot Wheels as kids. It's kind of bringing all that non-nonsensical, fun and youthful imagination to life. So basically, it's live action Hot Wheels!!! No wonder the franchise has done so well.

 

[BackMarker]

Fast Five writer on Today Now!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIY5b1JMvGs

 

[Tom Brokaw]

Funny stuff!

First graf of the first movie: "Audiger" should be "Audigier". I'm sad that I know this.
Third graf of the first movie: "utlra"

 

[TheFutureOfHealthcareComputing]

But what about the original one produced in 1954 where the trucker kidnapped a woman and went on an epic road chase?

https://m.imdb.com/title/tt0046969/

 

[pokrface]

Funny stuff!

First graf of the first movie: "Audiger" should be "Audigier". I'm sad that I know this.
Third graf of the first movie: "utlra"

Those are my fault—I did the edit pass on this. Peter is blameless

 

[Mr_D]

I learned that I was granny shifting, not double clutching like I should.

 

[AndrewZ]

I'm kind of shocked that you didn't provide a list of the cars.

 

[donshorty95]

"Vin Diesel uses a 1993 Mazda RX-7 FD for his heists"

This is incorrect, he races a RX-7, but they use Honda Civic EJ1's for the heists.

 

[grizzlyaddams]

But what about the original one produced in 1954 where the trucker kidnapped a woman and went on an epic road chase?

https://m.imdb.com/title/tt0046969/

This is exactly the plot of a Charlie Sheen movie from the 90s.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109402/

Winning!

 

[Peevester]

I believe, when undertaking a movie marathon like this, it’s customary to compare your brain to tapioca at some point.

 

[DepressedRobot]

I have nothing meaningful to add to this convo, but I am quite happy to say I have never seen a F&F movie and never will. My life is complete.

EDIT: I stand corrected. I did see Star Trek Beyond, which I quickly renamed Star Trek and the Furious.

 

[brionl]

I can't imagine you'll be the same after doing this. I couldn't sit through the first one without losing any brain cells.

I tried to watch the first one too (2 one too 2?), but I didn't lose any brain cells. Mainly because my brain kept doing soft boots while I tried to figure out what the hell was supposed to be going on.

Compare and contrast the vehicular bro-sanity of The Blues Brothers & Blues Brothers 2000 with Fast & Furious Franchise. IMO, BBs have much better music. And did the F&F guys airdrop a Pinto from 10,000 feet? No, they did not. Those sissies used parachutes.

Also, the best parody of F&F is the Futurama episode 2D-Blacktop.

 

[yankinwaoz]

Too bad there isn't a way I can upvote the story (versus upvoting comments).

So two thumbs up from me for the story. Made my morning. Thank you.

 

[EFCBeene]

The Passion of Joan of Arc: Tokyo Drift.

This. This is when I knew that even though I only have a passing knowledge of the movies the article would be a blast.