Bad Jokes Thread
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My cousins are coming to visit! It's been forever! They're identical twins, and it's been years since I last saw Cait and Duplicait!
OMG! My cousin, who is a drummer, has a set of twins too, and they are named...
Anna One, Anna Two
My friend had been engaged over 5 times but never married.
That's a lot of near Mrs.
That's a lot of near Mrs.
Accordion to research, 9/10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
This past Valentine's Day I made a chart of my past relationships.
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
Someone stole Satan’s wig. There’s gonna be hell toupée.
If one more person tells me I can't use movie titles as verbs, I'm gonna Scream (1996)
Father, I hate to pull you over, but have you been drinking?
Just water
Then why do I smell wine?
Good lord. He's done it again!
Just water
Then why do I smell wine?
Good lord. He's done it again!
The FIFA peace prize.
Apparition:
Be as courageous and proud as a lion. Don’t worry about who dislikes you, who resents you, and who conspires against you. Macbeth will never be beaten until Great Birnam Wood comes to fight you at Dunsinane Hill.
Macbeth:
That will never be. Who can impress the forest, bid the tree, unfix his earthbound root? Sweet bodements!
Later...
Retainer:
So, bossman, some lads have been to Birnam to scope it out. You ever hear of Triffids?
Be as courageous and proud as a lion. Don’t worry about who dislikes you, who resents you, and who conspires against you. Macbeth will never be beaten until Great Birnam Wood comes to fight you at Dunsinane Hill.
Macbeth:
That will never be. Who can impress the forest, bid the tree, unfix his earthbound root? Sweet bodements!
Later...
Retainer:
So, bossman, some lads have been to Birnam to scope it out. You ever hear of Triffids?
Ma'am you've been driving on the wrong side of the road.
Sorry I'm from the UK, old habits are...
I see. In that case, listen 'ere love, yous been drivin' down the wrong soid o the road innit.
Sorry I'm from the UK, old habits are...
I see. In that case, listen 'ere love, yous been drivin' down the wrong soid o the road innit.
What do you call a magician who lost their magic?
Ian.
Ian.
Two guys from Detroit die and go to hell. After their first day, the devil goes to check on their suffering, and to his surprise he finds them huddled around a fire wearing parkas, mittens, and hats. "What is wrong with you two?" the devil asks, "Did you not get the memo? You're in hell." "Well you see, we're from Detroit," they reply, "and it's so cold there that we're just barely starting to warm up."
The devil figures that if heat is what they want heat is what they'll get, so he raises the heat in hell.
The next day he goes to gloat over their suffering, but when he gets to their room, they are still hovering over the fire in their winter gear. "What's the matter," snarled the devil "ain't it hot enough for you?" The guys from Detroit reply "Well, you see, we're from Detroit, and it's so cold there that we're just barely starting to warm up."
The devil figures this calls for extreme measures and so he cranks the heat up so high that even the demons who work there start complaining.
The next day, he goes to check in on the to guys from Detroit. He opens the door to their room, and he sees them in t-shirts and sandals, kicking back, drinking beer, and roasting sausages over the infernal fires. Irate, the devil bellows at them "What kind of idiots are you? Do you not realize you are in hell?!?" "Sure," they reply, "but you see, we're from Detroit and we don't get nice weather like this often, so we figured why not take advantage of it and have a cookout."
The devil storms off. "Well, if they hate the cold so much, I guess there's only one way for me to get through to them." So he turns hell's thermostat completely the other way.
The next day, the devil goes to check in on them again, certain that he has finally broken them. He opens the door to their room, and they are jumping up and down with joy, dancing around celebrating and giving each other high fives. "Enough!" roars the devil, "What can you possibly be celebrating?"
The guys from Detroit say "Well you see, we're from Detroit, and when we woke up this morning and saw the icicles hanging from the ceiling and that hell was completely frozen solid, we realized it could only mean one thing - the Lions have finally won a Super Bowl!"
The devil figures that if heat is what they want heat is what they'll get, so he raises the heat in hell.
The next day he goes to gloat over their suffering, but when he gets to their room, they are still hovering over the fire in their winter gear. "What's the matter," snarled the devil "ain't it hot enough for you?" The guys from Detroit reply "Well, you see, we're from Detroit, and it's so cold there that we're just barely starting to warm up."
The devil figures this calls for extreme measures and so he cranks the heat up so high that even the demons who work there start complaining.
The next day, he goes to check in on the to guys from Detroit. He opens the door to their room, and he sees them in t-shirts and sandals, kicking back, drinking beer, and roasting sausages over the infernal fires. Irate, the devil bellows at them "What kind of idiots are you? Do you not realize you are in hell?!?" "Sure," they reply, "but you see, we're from Detroit and we don't get nice weather like this often, so we figured why not take advantage of it and have a cookout."
The devil storms off. "Well, if they hate the cold so much, I guess there's only one way for me to get through to them." So he turns hell's thermostat completely the other way.
The next day, the devil goes to check in on them again, certain that he has finally broken them. He opens the door to their room, and they are jumping up and down with joy, dancing around celebrating and giving each other high fives. "Enough!" roars the devil, "What can you possibly be celebrating?"
The guys from Detroit say "Well you see, we're from Detroit, and when we woke up this morning and saw the icicles hanging from the ceiling and that hell was completely frozen solid, we realized it could only mean one thing - the Lions have finally won a Super Bowl!"
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I hired a handy man last week and gave him a list of things that needed fixing. When I got home, only items 1, 3, & 5 were done.
When I asked why, he said he only does odd jobs.
When I asked why, he said he only does odd jobs.
Immediately filing the serial numbers off that one to reuse for Toronto/Leafs/Stanley Cup....
Did you hear what happened to the Barnes & Noble store when it burned down?
It was turned into Coles.
It was turned into Coles.
Grandpa, how was it like before the crowbar was invented?
Back in those days, crows simply drank at home.
Back in those days, crows simply drank at home.
A police officer radios the precinct. “I have a domestic violence case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
Two 227m towers, two 2,332m main cables, 250 pairs of suspender ropes, the anchorages, the pylons and the road deck. It's a lot to get on top of the car, cart across town and set up. Part of me wishes I hadn't joined the local bridge club.
I know what you mean. I've been trying to sell my unused one, but no one seems to be taking me seriously.
I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"
I replied:"Surely you must be Joe."
I replied:"Surely you must be Joe."
I knew a guy who raced snails. He thought he could make his prize snail go faster by surgically removing the shell.
That only made it more sluggish.
That only made it more sluggish.
Borgeois: not in assimilation but making good money in assimilation funding and management. Often fitted with those upmarket augments, such as heated towel rails.
I got a new pen that can write under water. It can write other words too.
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George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey are sitting around in one of their fancy Hollywood bars and putting back several drinks. They start talking about movie ideas and they come up with a great idea. They are all pumped about it. The group starts talking about roles for the movie. George Clooney says "I'll produce the movie." Next up, Leonardo DiCaprio thinks about it and finally says "I'll direct the movie. I have a great vision for it, and I've never directed a movie before." Matthew McConaughey is sitting there quietly for a bit, and then a great expression comes over his face. He turns to the other two stars and says "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write!"
Beekeeper: Excuse me, there's been an error with my order. I ordered a dozen bees but you gave me thirteen.
Show owner: That's a free bee
Show owner: That's a free bee
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A bunch of 80’s action movie stars are sitting around talking about resurrecting their careers. They all agree that their joints hurt too much to run around shooting things, punching bad guys and dealing with explosions. They are all fans of classical music, so they settle on making a movie about various composers.
“I’ll be Verde”, says Stallone.
“I’ll be Mozart”, says Van-Damme.
“I’ll be Holst”, says Segal.
”I’ll be Bach”, says Schwarzenegger.
“I’ll be Verde”, says Stallone.
“I’ll be Mozart”, says Van-Damme.
“I’ll be Holst”, says Segal.
”I’ll be Bach”, says Schwarzenegger.
A baker's buzzin'.
Yesterday I asked my wife if I had ever told her the joke about the guy with amnesia.
She said yes, about three times already.
She said yes, about three times already.
My sex life is like a Ferrari.
I don't have a Ferrari.
I don't have a Ferrari.