A student pilot on his first flight looks down nervously and asks: "What are all these buttons for?"
The flight Instructor replies: "They keep your shirt closed."
The flight Instructor replies: "They keep your shirt closed."
Bad Jokes Thread
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How do they know it's not a black church if nobody's going in or out?
Oh yeah, Vermont.
New day, new bad excellent joke.
So, back in the days of sail, the Spanish used to make the natives in the new world harvest rock crystals and ship them back to Spain to use as semi-precious gemstones.
From this we learned how many quartz fit in a galleon.
So, back in the days of sail, the Spanish used to make the natives in the new world harvest rock crystals and ship them back to Spain to use as semi-precious gemstones.
From this we learned how many quartz fit in a galleon.
An old Vermont farmer (a different one, or, sometimes told as an out-of-stater who bought a small local farm), anyway, the farmer is at the local feed store, buying some supplies, and sees the town veterinarian further down the aisle.
"Morning, doc. I was wondering if you might be able to offer some advice on a problem?"
"Morning, happy to help, what's the issue?" replies the vet.
"Well," says the farmer, I've got two draft horses I use for pulling, and I'm wondering what the best way is to tell them apart."
The vet ponders for a bit, picturing a pulling team, and says "One good way might be to measure them both, from the ground to the top of their shoulder. More than likely they won't both be the same height."
The farmer nods, and thanks the vet for the advice.
A couple weeks pass, and the farmer is again at the feed store, and sees the vet. Walking over to the vet, looking quite happy, he says "Doc, I just wanted to thank you so very much for that advice, measuring them solved the issue. It turns out the chestnut horse is a full hand* taller than the dapple."
*hand=4" in horse-units
"Morning, doc. I was wondering if you might be able to offer some advice on a problem?"
"Morning, happy to help, what's the issue?" replies the vet.
"Well," says the farmer, I've got two draft horses I use for pulling, and I'm wondering what the best way is to tell them apart."
The vet ponders for a bit, picturing a pulling team, and says "One good way might be to measure them both, from the ground to the top of their shoulder. More than likely they won't both be the same height."
The farmer nods, and thanks the vet for the advice.
A couple weeks pass, and the farmer is again at the feed store, and sees the vet. Walking over to the vet, looking quite happy, he says "Doc, I just wanted to thank you so very much for that advice, measuring them solved the issue. It turns out the chestnut horse is a full hand* taller than the dapple."
*hand=4" in horse-units
Tigers have "false eyes" on the back of their ears to discourage predators from attacking them from behind.
So I'm less concerned about tigers and like way more terrified of whatever the hell a tiger considers a predator.
So I'm less concerned about tigers and like way more terrified of whatever the hell a tiger considers a predator.
They only come in the hottest years. Like demons from hell. Attacking with out warning. It is very hot this year.
Similar to that one... we've all heard of the "uncanny valley", right? So what was going on that caused selection for such a strong reaction to something that acts very similar to a person, but not quite.
fellow human
Ars Praefectus
Lions, maybe? Lions come in gangs. (I know what they're called but they're still the gangsters of the big cat world.)
I bet you're proud of that answer.
I don't think their natural habitats have any overlap.
Tigers do live in areas where there are elephants though, and while not hunters, they can fuck up whomever they please when motivated to do so.
A senior radarmen asks his apprentice to recite how to align the emitter. He recites them precisely, ending with the exact words the senior had given him as encouragement the first time. "Then you'll have it licked". Shocked that he remembers the steps so well, he asks why the antenna hasn't been aligned in weeks.
"Well, when I turn it on and give it a lick, it really hertz. So I figured I'd do it less frequently."
"Well, when I turn it on and give it a lick, it really hertz. So I figured I'd do it less frequently."
I ate some expired Alphaghetti.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
A doe staggers out of the forest and says, "Well, that's the last time I do that for two bucks."
This thread is giving me flashbacks to Prairie Home Companion's annual joke show.
Anyway. On the deer topic.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts run you $2.99, but you can find deer nuts under a buck.
(Whoops. Forgot one joke per day, though one my original trio is sorta a two-fer... save it for another day.)
Anyway. On the deer topic.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts run you $2.99, but you can find deer nuts under a buck.
(Whoops. Forgot one joke per day, though one my original trio is sorta a two-fer... save it for another day.)
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Ah, yes. Most people know about the increased spread of black death due to cats being associated with witches and the resulting loss of popularity in keeping a cat as a pet - which led to less cats killing the rats who carried the pests causing the plague. But the biggest tragedy in the New World related to the anti-cat movement (e,g. Salem witch trials) came from the mole population boom in Massachusetts resulting the Boston molasses flood.
Every time I see any kind of reference to this show (that I used to love) my brain thinks Norwegian Bachelor Farmers.
Three moles are going through a tunnel.
The first mole says "I smell panckaes"
The second mole says "I smell pancakes"
The thrird mole says "i only smell molasses"
The first mole says "I smell panckaes"
The second mole says "I smell pancakes"
The thrird mole says "i only smell molasses"
Terrible chemistry jokes here since apparently all the good jokes argon.
fellow human
Ars Praefectus
A neutron goes into a bar and orders a drink. He says: "How much for the drink?", and the bartender says: "For you? No charge".
The best bad joke ever to appear on Mythbusters:
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
A photon goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, ‘Do you want a double?’, and the photon says, ‘No I’m traveling light.'
This morning Siri told me "Don't call me Shirley".
I must have accidententally left my phone in Airplane mode.
I must have accidententally left my phone in Airplane mode.
Around the time teletext switch to Unicode, hard of hearing people all over Britain complained that their televisions stopped working.
After some trouble shooting, the boffins tracked the problem down to some hard-coded links to ASCII. It required replacing all of the sets to be compatible with the new standard.
When questioned why it took them so long to uncover that problem, they said nobody who knew of that dependency thought to bring it up when the changeover happened.
So it was a case of no ASCII, no telly.
After some trouble shooting, the boffins tracked the problem down to some hard-coded links to ASCII. It required replacing all of the sets to be compatible with the new standard.
When questioned why it took them so long to uncover that problem, they said nobody who knew of that dependency thought to bring it up when the changeover happened.
So it was a case of no ASCII, no telly.
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Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
What's the loudest noise in the forest?
The sound of giraffes eating cherries.