Bad Jokes Thread
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What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Three guys were stranded on a deserted island. They were walking along the beach one day and saw a bottle in the sand. They quickly rushed up and picked it up.
One tried to pull out the cork but it was stuck. Together, all three tried to pull it out. Suddenly pop it came out and poof a genie appeared before them.
The genie told them that since they all opened the bottle together they each get one wish.
First guy says "I miss my wife and children so much. I wish I were back home with them."
poof
The guy disappears.
The second guy speaks up. "I had money and power at work. I wish I was back home and still had my job"
poof
The guy disappears.
Third guy looks around, then says to the genie. "Gosh, it's lonely here. I wish I had my friends back."
poof
One tried to pull out the cork but it was stuck. Together, all three tried to pull it out. Suddenly pop it came out and poof a genie appeared before them.
The genie told them that since they all opened the bottle together they each get one wish.
First guy says "I miss my wife and children so much. I wish I were back home with them."
poof
The guy disappears.
The second guy speaks up. "I had money and power at work. I wish I was back home and still had my job"
poof
The guy disappears.
Third guy looks around, then says to the genie. "Gosh, it's lonely here. I wish I had my friends back."
poof
Reminds me of something I had saved from Usenet, and finally deleted not too long ago:
"We are dyslexic of Borg: Your ass will be laminated!"
A: "Two chickens got married, each had chicks from a prior marriage."
Z: "Really? What do the chicks call their new parent?"
A: "Stephen."
Z: "Really? What do the chicks call their new parent?"
A: "Stephen."
Ok, here is the parable of the non-conformist sparrow, one of my favorites.
Once there was a sparrow who decided that he was not going to follow the crowd, he was going to be his own bird. So, when the rest of the sparrows began their migration south in the winter, he decided to stay behind.
At first it was wonderful. True, there many of the seeds had already been eaten, but with all of the other sparrows gone, he had his pick of the fields and it was easy to get as many seeds as he wanted. He said to himself "this is great, I don't know why I didn't do this years ago".
Then the first winter storm rolled in and he realized his mistake. Belatedly, he tried to get ahead of the storm, but it was too late. As he flew, his wings iced up and he crashed into the middle of a pasture. As he was lying there freezing and basically waiting to die he said to himself "this just can't get any worse". Just as he though this a passing cow came and dropped a fresh patty right on top of him.
At first he thought "I was wrong, it can always get worse", but here's the thing. The patty was warm and insulating. That warmth was going to keep him alive through the storm that passing overhead and as soon as it cleared he would be able to fly south and make it after all. He was so happy that this thought that he burst into song.
Well, a passing farm cat heard this song and, upon seeing a sparrow with iced up wings stuck in a cow patty, fished him out, cleaned him off, and ate him.
There are three morals to this story.
1) Not everyone who shits on you is out to get you.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
and most importantly,
3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your damn mouth shut!
Once there was a sparrow who decided that he was not going to follow the crowd, he was going to be his own bird. So, when the rest of the sparrows began their migration south in the winter, he decided to stay behind.
At first it was wonderful. True, there many of the seeds had already been eaten, but with all of the other sparrows gone, he had his pick of the fields and it was easy to get as many seeds as he wanted. He said to himself "this is great, I don't know why I didn't do this years ago".
Then the first winter storm rolled in and he realized his mistake. Belatedly, he tried to get ahead of the storm, but it was too late. As he flew, his wings iced up and he crashed into the middle of a pasture. As he was lying there freezing and basically waiting to die he said to himself "this just can't get any worse". Just as he though this a passing cow came and dropped a fresh patty right on top of him.
At first he thought "I was wrong, it can always get worse", but here's the thing. The patty was warm and insulating. That warmth was going to keep him alive through the storm that passing overhead and as soon as it cleared he would be able to fly south and make it after all. He was so happy that this thought that he burst into song.
Well, a passing farm cat heard this song and, upon seeing a sparrow with iced up wings stuck in a cow patty, fished him out, cleaned him off, and ate him.
There are three morals to this story.
1) Not everyone who shits on you is out to get you.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
and most importantly,
3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your damn mouth shut!
I used to have a picture of a rhino's body with an elephant head, it was labeled elephino. I managed to lose it (it was so long ago I only had a paper copy) and haven't seen one since.
Three guys die and are standing at the gates to heaven. St Peter is there checking people in. As they approach, St Peter welcomes them and tells them "Welcome! On entry you will be granted a vehicle in mint condition. The vehicle you receive however, will be based on how faithful you were to your wife."
St Peter looks at the first guy who says "Well, I love my wife with all of my being. I made vows to her and never once betrayed those vows."
St Peter nods and flips a key to the man. Then he steps aside to reveal a brand new Aston Martin. Sleek, beautiful, powerful. The man beams with delight, gets in, and drives away.
The next man stepped forward and said, "I cheated on my wife once. I regretted it. Biggest mistake of my life." Saint Peter looks at the man and nods. He hands him a key to a Ford Fiesta. The man humbly gets in and putters away.
The third man steps up, clears his throat and hesitantly says "I... uhh... well, I had several affairs and a few one night stands." He shuffles his feet and looks away. St Peter grimly nods and presents the man with a bicycle. The man sighs, gets on, and pedals away.
Some time later, because what is time in heaven? The man with the bicycle sees the man with the Aston Martin. He is pulled over, standing next to his car looking forlorn and sad.
"What is wrong? You were a good person and have received rewards for the life you lived!"
"I just saw my wife." says the man with pain in his voice. "She was on roller skates!"
St Peter looks at the first guy who says "Well, I love my wife with all of my being. I made vows to her and never once betrayed those vows."
St Peter nods and flips a key to the man. Then he steps aside to reveal a brand new Aston Martin. Sleek, beautiful, powerful. The man beams with delight, gets in, and drives away.
The next man stepped forward and said, "I cheated on my wife once. I regretted it. Biggest mistake of my life." Saint Peter looks at the man and nods. He hands him a key to a Ford Fiesta. The man humbly gets in and putters away.
The third man steps up, clears his throat and hesitantly says "I... uhh... well, I had several affairs and a few one night stands." He shuffles his feet and looks away. St Peter grimly nods and presents the man with a bicycle. The man sighs, gets on, and pedals away.
Some time later, because what is time in heaven? The man with the bicycle sees the man with the Aston Martin. He is pulled over, standing next to his car looking forlorn and sad.
"What is wrong? You were a good person and have received rewards for the life you lived!"
"I just saw my wife." says the man with pain in his voice. "She was on roller skates!"
Kid is in church and looks up at the crucifix.
Kid: (whispers) "What does the sign say over Jesus's head?"
Mom: "It's Latin, I think."
Kid: But what does it mean?
Dad
Kid: (whispers) "What does the sign say over Jesus's head?"
Mom: "It's Latin, I think."
Kid: But what does it mean?
Dad
"Worst day ever."
An old Vermont farmer was out repairing a line of fence one day, when a BMW with out of state plates pulled up the road, and slowed alongside him.
"Excuse me," said the driver, "could you help me?"
And, the farmer set down his hammer and pliers, stepped over the partially mended fence, and nodded to the driver.
As it turned out, the driver had been following GPS coordinates on their phone, and, being Vermont, the signal had cut out before they reached their destination.
The farmer pondered a bit, then told them they needed to head up the road about two miles, take a left where Simpson's barn used to be (look for the foundation), a second left, then a right at the Y, and so on, and that should do it.
The driver nodded attentively, thanked the farmer, and proceeded down the road.
About a half hour later, the same BMW pulled alongside the farmer, slammed on their brakes, and the driver began shouting "What the hell, I followed every damned turn you told me to, spent a half hour driving around, only to wind up back here?! Why would you do that?!"
And the farmer looked at the driver, and calmly answered, "Well, first I wanted to make sure you could follow directions."
"Excuse me," said the driver, "could you help me?"
And, the farmer set down his hammer and pliers, stepped over the partially mended fence, and nodded to the driver.
As it turned out, the driver had been following GPS coordinates on their phone, and, being Vermont, the signal had cut out before they reached their destination.
The farmer pondered a bit, then told them they needed to head up the road about two miles, take a left where Simpson's barn used to be (look for the foundation), a second left, then a right at the Y, and so on, and that should do it.
The driver nodded attentively, thanked the farmer, and proceeded down the road.
About a half hour later, the same BMW pulled alongside the farmer, slammed on their brakes, and the driver began shouting "What the hell, I followed every damned turn you told me to, spent a half hour driving around, only to wind up back here?! Why would you do that?!"
And the farmer looked at the driver, and calmly answered, "Well, first I wanted to make sure you could follow directions."
A man is out for a drive in the countryside, when he looks in his rearview mirror and notices a three-legged chicken chasing his car. He looks down at his speedometer, and sees that he's going 35 but the chicken is keeping up just fine. He punches the gas, and speeds up to 45 but the chicken is still chasing. At 55 mph, the chicken actually runs past the car, and the man watches it turn at a driveway about 1/2 mile in front of him. Curious, the man also turns down that driveway and sees a farm house a little ways away.
As luck would have it, the farmer is working in the field right next to the road so the man rolls down his window and asks "is this three-legged chicken yours?" The farmer confirms that yes, indeed, that's his chicken - it turns out that every Sunday his family has a fried chicken dinner and he, his wife, and his son all fight over who gets the drumsticks. To solve that problem, he started breeding three-legged chickens.
The man was amazed at this ingenuity, and said so. "But I have to ask, how does the taste compare to their two-legged counterparts?" The farmer looked at him, shrugged, and said "I dunno, we haven't caught one yet."
As luck would have it, the farmer is working in the field right next to the road so the man rolls down his window and asks "is this three-legged chicken yours?" The farmer confirms that yes, indeed, that's his chicken - it turns out that every Sunday his family has a fried chicken dinner and he, his wife, and his son all fight over who gets the drumsticks. To solve that problem, he started breeding three-legged chickens.
The man was amazed at this ingenuity, and said so. "But I have to ask, how does the taste compare to their two-legged counterparts?" The farmer looked at him, shrugged, and said "I dunno, we haven't caught one yet."
I was at the liquor store buying some beer, and the cashier asked for ID. When I opened my wallet, my Blockbuster card fell out.
The cashier saw it and said "Never mind".
The cashier saw it and said "Never mind".
Reminds me of another joke…
It's the first time a kid stays with his parents for the sermon instead of going to children's church.
The preacher walks up and sets down some papers, the kid asks "Dad, what is that paper for?"
Dad replies "those are his notes, so he remembers what he is going to teach us today."
The preacher opens a book and sets it down next to his notes. The kid asks "Dad, why'd he do that?"
Dad replies "That's the Bible, so the preacher can read from the word of God."
Finally, the preacher takes off his watch and sets it on the lectern where he can see it. The kid wonders "Dad, what's that mean?"
Dad replies "absolutely nothing."
I don't always take things literally... I haven't shoplifted anything in my last three visits to Target.
This ones a classic!
A storm descends on a small town, and the downpour soon turns into a flood. As the waters rise, the local preacher kneels in prayer on the church porch, surrounded by water. By and by, one of the townsfolk comes up the street in a canoe.
"Better get in, Preacher. The waters are rising fast."
"No," says the preacher. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me."
Still the waters rise. Now the preacher is up on the balcony, wringing his hands in supplication, when another guy zips up in a motorboat.
"Come on, Preacher. We need to get you out of here. The levee's gonna break any minute."
Once again, the preacher is unmoved. "I shall remain. The Lord will see me through."
After a while the levee breaks, and the flood rushes over the church until only the steeple remains above water. The preacher is up there, clinging to the cross, when a helicopter descends out of the clouds, and a state trooper calls down to him through a megaphone.
"Grab the ladder, Preacher. This is your last chance."
Once again, the preacher insists the Lord will deliver him.
And, predictably, he drowns.
A pious man, the preacher goes to heaven. After a while he gets an interview with God, and he asks the Almighty, "Lord, I had unwavering faith in you. Why didn't you deliver me from that flood?"
God shakes his head. "What did you want from me? I sent you two boats and a helicopter."
----
And this one is a bit dirty so ill put behind tags. All thanks to the dearly departed Norm McDonald for this one.
Terrible situation. She's in a coma, ya know?
So I said to her doctor, I said, "Doc, what can I do? She's in a coma."
Her doctor, great guy by the way, he says to me, he says, "I know this sounds crazy but I've seen it work. Oral sex can bring her out of her coma if you're willing to try it."
"Well, doc" I said, I said " Well doc, I'll try anything to bring my wife out of her coma", I said.
So I went in there, in to her room, ya know?
Came out five minutes later and told the doctor, I said, "Doc, she's choking!"
A storm descends on a small town, and the downpour soon turns into a flood. As the waters rise, the local preacher kneels in prayer on the church porch, surrounded by water. By and by, one of the townsfolk comes up the street in a canoe.
"Better get in, Preacher. The waters are rising fast."
"No," says the preacher. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me."
Still the waters rise. Now the preacher is up on the balcony, wringing his hands in supplication, when another guy zips up in a motorboat.
"Come on, Preacher. We need to get you out of here. The levee's gonna break any minute."
Once again, the preacher is unmoved. "I shall remain. The Lord will see me through."
After a while the levee breaks, and the flood rushes over the church until only the steeple remains above water. The preacher is up there, clinging to the cross, when a helicopter descends out of the clouds, and a state trooper calls down to him through a megaphone.
"Grab the ladder, Preacher. This is your last chance."
Once again, the preacher insists the Lord will deliver him.
And, predictably, he drowns.
A pious man, the preacher goes to heaven. After a while he gets an interview with God, and he asks the Almighty, "Lord, I had unwavering faith in you. Why didn't you deliver me from that flood?"
God shakes his head. "What did you want from me? I sent you two boats and a helicopter."
----
And this one is a bit dirty so ill put behind tags. All thanks to the dearly departed Norm McDonald for this one.
Terrible situation. She's in a coma, ya know?
So I said to her doctor, I said, "Doc, what can I do? She's in a coma."
Her doctor, great guy by the way, he says to me, he says, "I know this sounds crazy but I've seen it work. Oral sex can bring her out of her coma if you're willing to try it."
"Well, doc" I said, I said " Well doc, I'll try anything to bring my wife out of her coma", I said.
So I went in there, in to her room, ya know?
Came out five minutes later and told the doctor, I said, "Doc, she's choking!"
A man walks into a hotel with a cruifix and some nails, and asks to be put up for the night
The hotel clerk looks at him and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, not you again!"
The hotel clerk looks at him and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, not you again!"
Did you know Albert Einstein was actually a real person!?
Yeah, I was always told he was a theoretical physicist
Yeah, I was always told he was a theoretical physicist
fellow human
Ars Praefectus
Doctor said I had onomatopoeia. I asked what it was.
He said it's exactly what it sounds like.
He said it's exactly what it sounds like.
Two atoms are walking down the street.
The first one says, "I think I lost an electron!"
The second one says, "Are you positive?"
The first one says, "I think I lost an electron!"
The second one says, "Are you positive?"
fellow human
Ars Praefectus
Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy buried with chocolate and hazelnuts...
They believe it's Pharaoh Rocher
They believe it's Pharaoh Rocher
A man walks into a hotel room with a crucifix and some nails and asks if he can put it up because he likes to have a cross over his bed.
The hotel clerk looks at him and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, I think he's got enough nails already."
How do you get an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door.
How do you get a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.
The lions have had a new baby and all the animals of the savannah are gathering to see him. Except for one. Who is missing?
The giraffe. He's still in the refrigerator.
Open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door.
How do you get a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.
The lions have had a new baby and all the animals of the savannah are gathering to see him. Except for one. Who is missing?
The giraffe. He's still in the refrigerator.
It's a new day, so I thought I would pass on that I recently learned that the term "Grammar Nazi" is no longer in favor due to its offensive overtones. The preferred term now is "Write Supremacist".
EDIT: Bonus joke that I heard this morning.
"My spouse and I had an argument about our kitchen renovations. They wanted granite, but I think my counter-arguments were better."
EDIT: Bonus joke that I heard this morning.
"My spouse and I had an argument about our kitchen renovations. They wanted granite, but I think my counter-arguments were better."
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My parents had a vacation home in VT, which was awesome. The directions to get there were:
- Get off at exit X and head west on rte Y
- At the light, turn right
- At the white church, turn left and go up the hill. House number is Z
fellow human
Ars Praefectus
Woman goes to her doctor,
Doctor: Well, you are no longer eating for just one anymore.
Woman: Why doctor, you mean...?
Doctor: Yes, you've got a tape worm.
Doctor: Well, you are no longer eating for just one anymore.
Woman: Why doctor, you mean...?
Doctor: Yes, you've got a tape worm.
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A man is talking to his doctor.
Doctor: you have 5 to live
Man: 5 what to live?
Doctor: 4. 3. 2....
Doctor: you have 5 to live
Man: 5 what to live?
Doctor: 4. 3. 2....