SuperDave, I remember you going through some hard times a while back, so I'm assuming that things are better now? What are you up to these days?
I would definitely read the book of your life story.
The Midlife Crisis Thread
- Thread starter Carhole
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SuperDave, I remember you going through some hard times a while back, so I'm assuming that things are better now? What are you up to these days?
I would definitely read the book of your life story.
Yes, and hopefully concludes on the proper up note of dropping his Hans Gruber out of a very high window.
A little light reading: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midlife_crisis 
I don't desire a mid-life crisis, but such a thing could end up being cathartic and might lead to interesting changes to and new circumstances in ones life, that could be quite positive and refreshing. It would be ideal to achieve those without hurting anyone, whether oneself or anyone else around one though.
I don't desire a mid-life crisis, but such a thing could end up being cathartic and might lead to interesting changes to and new circumstances in ones life, that could be quite positive and refreshing. It would be ideal to achieve those without hurting anyone, whether oneself or anyone else around one though.
A little light reading: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midlife_crisis
I don't desire a mid-life crisis, but such a thing could end up being cathartic and might lead to interesting changes to and new circumstances in ones life, that could be quite positive and refreshing. It would be ideal to achieve those without hurting anyone, whether oneself or anyone else around one though.
A reminder of the Faith No More song too
By that definition I wouldn't say I'm in a midlife crisis. Covid helped but age and experience has just provided some clarity and self-awareness to give me the motivation to change things up.
I'm early 50s now, have had essentially three careers, though the last two are related, and had two divorces that changed life course significantly for the better each time (though I sure didn't see it at the time). Those were probably the closest to midlife crises, though the first was at 25 and second at 37 (or so). After the second I made a major move in location and university but doing essentially the same job. Two years ago I jumped to my current role, which is more non-profit than research organization, but this time as CEO. Significant change in role, but similar skills and activities. And the last two roles were in DC.
I did buy a few sports cars, but now we're at two cars (an Accord and a Pilot) and telecommuting almost exclusively. Making more money than I ever had by a lot.
And now my wife and I are thinking about what retirement will look like in 15 years, where we might want to live, should we build, or buy, and stay in the US or go abroad?
None of these were really mid-life crises, but at the time the divorces felt like it, and quitting my role in Syracuse for an organization I co-founded with almost no notice was similar in some ways.
That was kind of rambly, but I chose the option for having done it three times. It's probably closest. At times it felt awful, but I'm definitely proof that you never know what's going to happen if you go in a general direction and keep your eyes open for opportunity.
I did buy a few sports cars, but now we're at two cars (an Accord and a Pilot) and telecommuting almost exclusively. Making more money than I ever had by a lot.
And now my wife and I are thinking about what retirement will look like in 15 years, where we might want to live, should we build, or buy, and stay in the US or go abroad?
None of these were really mid-life crises, but at the time the divorces felt like it, and quitting my role in Syracuse for an organization I co-founded with almost no notice was similar in some ways.
That was kind of rambly, but I chose the option for having done it three times. It's probably closest. At times it felt awful, but I'm definitely proof that you never know what's going to happen if you go in a general direction and keep your eyes open for opportunity.
It could be that as a result of a midlife crisis, one changes their career.
But I don’t think changing your career counts as a midlife crisis.
I would say that having been raised in the vein of “follow your passion”, and in a society where there is self-awareness of the idea of having a midlife crisis (for example, the movie American Beauty) what always struck me as odd was the reaction to the midlife crisis. Because changing your job, car, or wife doesn’t really solve the root problem. It’s simply a distraction. Maybe that’s the point.
But I don’t think changing your career counts as a midlife crisis.
I would say that having been raised in the vein of “follow your passion”, and in a society where there is self-awareness of the idea of having a midlife crisis (for example, the movie American Beauty) what always struck me as odd was the reaction to the midlife crisis. Because changing your job, car, or wife doesn’t really solve the root problem. It’s simply a distraction. Maybe that’s the point.
If I'm in a 'mid-life crisis', it's for three reasons:
1) The effects of age
I'm 51, and of course this has various effects - less hair than I used to have, it's harder to work off belly fat, etc. But I guess the major one is that the hopes & dreams I had in my youth, of things I'd like to do & places I'd like to go, become less & less likely to be realized. I guess I'm along the way to dealing with this & accepting it.
2) My career situation, and feelings of envy & low self-esteem
I look at friends & classmates from high school & college back in the UK, and many of them are much more successful career-wise, and have much higher incomes than me. I'm an office worker in a giant Japanese corporation, have tried & failed to get promoted, but I can't leave for somewhere else because I've promised my s/o a stable income while our kids are still in school (with all the expenses that entails). I realize that I'm really lucky - most foreigners here in Japan don't have the opportunities I've had, and job stability is not a bad thing. But I know my (Japanese) wife sometimes contrasts me with her sister's husband, who is a top exec in another giant Japanese corp.
3) The impact of being a long-term expatriate
I'm originally from the UK, but have lived in Japan since early 2003. Since then, both parents & remaining grandparent have died, and of course I dearly miss my remaining family (sister & her brood) & friends back in the UK. Mostly for financial reasons, I can only go back for a brief visit once every 4-5 years, and watching from afar my sister get older, and my niece & nephews grow up makes me feel very wistful. Of course, Zoom & Facetime are a thing, but it's not the same as being there. Moving here was my choice, and I'm blessed with happy & healthy s/o & kids here, so I know I can't complain.
Whenever I feel down about these things, I tell myself to suck it up, in the knowledge that I've got it better than many people, but 3) in particular can be hard sometimes.
1) The effects of age
I'm 51, and of course this has various effects - less hair than I used to have, it's harder to work off belly fat, etc. But I guess the major one is that the hopes & dreams I had in my youth, of things I'd like to do & places I'd like to go, become less & less likely to be realized. I guess I'm along the way to dealing with this & accepting it.
2) My career situation, and feelings of envy & low self-esteem
I look at friends & classmates from high school & college back in the UK, and many of them are much more successful career-wise, and have much higher incomes than me. I'm an office worker in a giant Japanese corporation, have tried & failed to get promoted, but I can't leave for somewhere else because I've promised my s/o a stable income while our kids are still in school (with all the expenses that entails). I realize that I'm really lucky - most foreigners here in Japan don't have the opportunities I've had, and job stability is not a bad thing. But I know my (Japanese) wife sometimes contrasts me with her sister's husband, who is a top exec in another giant Japanese corp.
3) The impact of being a long-term expatriate
I'm originally from the UK, but have lived in Japan since early 2003. Since then, both parents & remaining grandparent have died, and of course I dearly miss my remaining family (sister & her brood) & friends back in the UK. Mostly for financial reasons, I can only go back for a brief visit once every 4-5 years, and watching from afar my sister get older, and my niece & nephews grow up makes me feel very wistful. Of course, Zoom & Facetime are a thing, but it's not the same as being there. Moving here was my choice, and I'm blessed with happy & healthy s/o & kids here, so I know I can't complain.
Whenever I feel down about these things, I tell myself to suck it up, in the knowledge that I've got it better than many people, but 3) in particular can be hard sometimes.
I don’t know how to answer this. I’m 38, so well short of the mid-life crises typical starting point.
However, I’ve completely changed the way I look. I’ve gone through an extremely sharp personal transition in regards to my health and things that were well on their way to killing me. I recently went from a reasonable, powerful, fairly luxurious and spacious sedan down to a tiny two seater roadster. I am in the middle of angling for a job that is in my field (hell, still in my org) that provides lower base pay but amazing benefits.
So… taco? Because this all pretty much voluntary. I’m tempted to say that before that, they were just ‘life crises’, as mid-life hadn’t yet been reached (I hope!). Some of those crises were absolutely genuine, terrible, and not entirely by choice.
However, I’ve completely changed the way I look. I’ve gone through an extremely sharp personal transition in regards to my health and things that were well on their way to killing me. I recently went from a reasonable, powerful, fairly luxurious and spacious sedan down to a tiny two seater roadster. I am in the middle of angling for a job that is in my field (hell, still in my org) that provides lower base pay but amazing benefits.
So… taco? Because this all pretty much voluntary. I’m tempted to say that before that, they were just ‘life crises’, as mid-life hadn’t yet been reached (I hope!). Some of those crises were absolutely genuine, terrible, and not entirely by choice.
You’ve certainly ticked some boxes. The traditional definition posted earlier has a certain stigma surrounding rash choices, but I’m firmly in the taco philosophy that self reinvention and actualization is our most healthy way to deal with going from being roaming bands of murderers to city dwellers while retaining some sanity; I don’t think defining one’s life in a singular set of variables makes sense. But then again this is coming from someone who is interested in everything, so my opinion is probably biased by the notion that we aren’t meant to settle. And ironically yet so naturally love engaging in nesting behavior like making a cozy living room, safe lifestyle, space, then shattering the norms that I establish. My wife has greatly reduced my risk taking since I’m not an asshooooeeeoleeole (generally speaking), and try to factor her well-being into any consideration moving forward. Your boot collection started pulling my attention for a second and I was *twitch* leather will mold here *twitch* must. Be. Logical.
54. About to hit 31 years at my job. I enjoy what I do, and can only see leaving it if my father's health takes a decline and I have to help him out with his business. I'm.. not looking forward to that day, for many reasons.
Because sometimes that’s just not enough to keep a man like you interested? /Leery
I’m 56, and I’m probably the happiest I’ve ever been personally and professionally - I’ve been at my current gig almost 10 years now, and I can see myself staying there for the duration.
I think I do enough fun stuff on the side that I don’t feel compelled to make any real changes. And financial security is a huge deal for us, especially now, especially with the fun medical issues that crop up amongst our cohort.
My midlife crisis car was the Camry because I’m getting old and fat and wanted to be comfortable driving back and forth to work.
Yeah, there are days when I want to chuck it all and raise cabbages, but honestly? I’m good.
I think I do enough fun stuff on the side that I don’t feel compelled to make any real changes. And financial security is a huge deal for us, especially now, especially with the fun medical issues that crop up amongst our cohort.
My midlife crisis car was the Camry because I’m getting old and fat and wanted to be comfortable driving back and forth to work.
Yeah, there are days when I want to chuck it all and raise cabbages, but honestly? I’m good.
"I’ve completely changed the way I look. I’ve gone through an extremely sharp personal transition in regards to my health and things that were well on their way to killing me."
Congrats on that, Diabolical. Radical transformation is what I need to go through too and for the same reasons. And some other important reasons. But, unlike you, I seem wholly unable to 'do' what I know I need to do. Which in itself, in the context of what is making me need to change radically, could certainly be pointing to a mid-life crisis. At 47 I'm old enough. I don't want to be selfish though, even if sometimes I fantasize about it.
Congrats on that, Diabolical. Radical transformation is what I need to go through too and for the same reasons. And some other important reasons. But, unlike you, I seem wholly unable to 'do' what I know I need to do. Which in itself, in the context of what is making me need to change radically, could certainly be pointing to a mid-life crisis. At 47 I'm old enough. I don't want to be selfish though, even if sometimes I fantasize about it.
I've had a few fantasies about opening my own restaurant/bar/brewpub, but I know enough about the industry to realize how much of a time and money sink this would be. Doesn't help that I'm the breadwinner of the family, and my job has better insurance.
I was offered the chance to start brewing at a friend's resort, but I passed it up. Seemed like he wanted to cut corners a lot, and I'm not familiar enough with all grain brewing to produce beer in business scale. Extract brewing gets way too expensive at volume.
I was offered the chance to start brewing at a friend's resort, but I passed it up. Seemed like he wanted to cut corners a lot, and I'm not familiar enough with all grain brewing to produce beer in business scale. Extract brewing gets way too expensive at volume.
Thanks - it's an ongoing (like, forever) project. Which is a conversation I just had with a coworker who was lamenting putting weight back on after stopping a diet. Had to point out that once you find something that works, you don't get to stop - unless your cutting down for a specific (usually competition related) purpose, stopping a diet change results in.... you guessed it, reversion! But that's a discussion for another thread.
The most recent thing I've been working on consciously is trying to maintain and project a more positive attitude towards pretty much everything. Considering how cynical I am, it's awfully damn tough sometimes.
--
Back to the 'mid-life' crisis, a former coworker quit his job, sold his shit here in California, and moved out east to work for a non-profit. He hadn't talked about it at all.
The kicker? He was 28. Last we heard, he was working at a taco truck in Virginia someplace, living out of his car. And loving it, or at least outwardly projecting that he loved it.
Pretty sure that qualifies as a 'life-crisis'.
Pocky Is God
Ars Legatus Legionis
39 and enjoying (somewhat) being back in school getting a CompSci degree. I think I already make good enough money to not complain ($157ish last year) and I don't really worry about spending money other than larger purchases of 2K+. Car works, dog is healthy.
I just want house. Thats the main goal.
I just want house. Thats the main goal.
Change is constant. Idk. I've needed to reinvent myself every decade or so anyway.
48 here, and "crisis" would be overly strong, but a lessening of ambition to move up in to bigger roles and a greater focus on my life outside of work. Tech just doesn't fascinate me the way it used to, and the constant treadmill of having to contend with millions of idiots out there on the Internet looking for any exploitable crack has sucked some of the joy out it in recent years.
OMG so much this. I've been obsessed with new tech since I was seven, but I find it so hard to care about Kubernetes or some new Javascript framework. I feel like so much new tech these days is just unnecessary complexity that only exists so that developers can put exciting things on their resumes and then leave to go work at Google or Facebook, which continue to swallow up or supplant anything interesting or unique on the Internet.
Meh. Kids, lawn, etc.
It's possible his 'life crisis' was being a co-worker in some cube farm or whatever.
I'm kind of glad you said that. I like comfortable driving. And flying. And, frankly, sitting at home in the family room or in my home office. Comfy is good. We all have enough time being miserable that being comfy sometimes is kind of awesome. LaZBoy for the win. And I have to be honest, my Pilot is pretty comfy, too.
I've definitely been asking myself, "Do I want to open this door and step through?" a lot lately. Metaphorically speaking, that is. I haven't been reenacting any cliche "breaking-point" scenes from the movies just yet.
Career-wise and financially, where most people seem to have focused, I'm actually pretty happy and stable. I went back to school as a Chemist and came out as a Computer Scientist in my thirties, and couldn't be more pleased with thetransformation transmutation. Being well-paid to do something you enjoy is a nice place to be.
On the car front, I've already owned a few Diabolical-style fun roadsters ('94 and '07 Miatas), and couldn't ask for anything better than my current Model 3. Well, unless they made a convertible version. But at any rate, there's no pent up demand for something new there, I've already had my toys.
Which leaves more traditional aspects of a mid-life crises. The affairs, divorces, walking away from family life. The "be a selfish prick" part.
I'm not an asshole. I'm not going to cheat on my wife or abandon my daughter. But there's been a dead bedroom situation going on that's been lingering for years, with not even a glimmer of hope for improvement in sight. If it weren't for likelihood--no. actually it's a certainty--that if I were to leave her my wife would spiral down and crater out in anxiety, depression and literal pain from stress-related back issues, then I'd already have stepped through that door and be a mile down the road.
I want something different. I want someone different. I want. But I don't want to hurt a woman that I deeply care about. Nor a child who is the world to me. Nor myself.
And so I spend a lot of time staring at a door that is closed to me. Not even raising my hand to rest it on the handle. Just standing there, thinking.
Hello, 4:00 AM.
Career-wise and financially, where most people seem to have focused, I'm actually pretty happy and stable. I went back to school as a Chemist and came out as a Computer Scientist in my thirties, and couldn't be more pleased with the
On the car front, I've already owned a few Diabolical-style fun roadsters ('94 and '07 Miatas), and couldn't ask for anything better than my current Model 3. Well, unless they made a convertible version. But at any rate, there's no pent up demand for something new there, I've already had my toys.
Which leaves more traditional aspects of a mid-life crises. The affairs, divorces, walking away from family life. The "be a selfish prick" part.
I'm not an asshole. I'm not going to cheat on my wife or abandon my daughter. But there's been a dead bedroom situation going on that's been lingering for years, with not even a glimmer of hope for improvement in sight. If it weren't for likelihood--no. actually it's a certainty--that if I were to leave her my wife would spiral down and crater out in anxiety, depression and literal pain from stress-related back issues, then I'd already have stepped through that door and be a mile down the road.
I want something different. I want someone different. I want. But I don't want to hurt a woman that I deeply care about. Nor a child who is the world to me. Nor myself.
And so I spend a lot of time staring at a door that is closed to me. Not even raising my hand to rest it on the handle. Just standing there, thinking.
Hello, 4:00 AM.
So my brother in law, who worked his ass off for five decades, finally retired last year at the age of 66. He and his wife sold their house and were getting ready to start traveling the world and enjoying retirement. Instead he came down with a bad case of metastasized cancer and has maybe five months to live, which will be spent in intense pain, eating only liquids.
This development has inspired me to reevaluate some of my plans.
This development has inspired me to reevaluate some of my plans.
I spend too much time staring at that door... maybe it's just where we're at in life. I think things can be improved - maybe dramatically - without going through that door. But that's the classic mid-life crisis, isn't it? The one that (presumably) pushes you through that door.
As the wikipedia article noted, at mid-life we start to really become aware of our mortality. I'm beginning to see my parent's generation - including both my parents - come to the end of their lives and start to disappear. I think in two years they'll all be gone =/ And that is indeed making me think a lot harder about a few things that I should be changing now. Health, definitely, but also the time and energy I put into relationships. I've been REALLY bad at letting things drift... really bad.
As the wikipedia article noted, at mid-life we start to really become aware of our mortality. I'm beginning to see my parent's generation - including both my parents - come to the end of their lives and start to disappear. I think in two years they'll all be gone =/ And that is indeed making me think a lot harder about a few things that I should be changing now. Health, definitely, but also the time and energy I put into relationships. I've been REALLY bad at letting things drift... really bad.
Hey Dan, I feel for you. If it's in the cards, I strongly recommend professional couples counseling. One of the best pieces of advice the pastor who married us gave was to go in for counseling checkups every five to ten years even if it felt things were going good. We did that at year ten, even though things were pretty good, and it was worth every penny. It brought up some rough patches that we had pushed to the side and also helped us understand why each of us reacted certain ways to certain things. It certainly doesn't mean we're always on the same page and never have to compromise on anything, but we're there a lot more often and when we're not the compromise feels a lot better. It might be worth some personal counseling even if your wife isn't interested.
I also really admire your integrity. A lot of people bail instead of honoring the "or for worse" part of the vow. Thanks for bucking the trend. I hope you're wrong about the long unchanging path ahead. I know I've been wrong about parts of my marriage that I thought were permanently stuck and that's one of the reasons I'm such a proponent about external professional help.
I also really admire your integrity. A lot of people bail instead of honoring the "or for worse" part of the vow. Thanks for bucking the trend. I hope you're wrong about the long unchanging path ahead. I know I've been wrong about parts of my marriage that I thought were permanently stuck and that's one of the reasons I'm such a proponent about external professional help.
I did too much "changing my career" while I was in grad school.
I figure at this point, I'll just be grinding away at the same thing for the next 15 years then die and not be noticed for a couple of weeks.
I figure at this point, I'll just be grinding away at the same thing for the next 15 years then die and not be noticed for a couple of weeks.
Get cats. They'll miss you once you're too far gone to keep feeding them (literally).
That kind of sucks. I appreciate it, but it kind of sucks. Having been on the other side of two people who just walked away because they wanted something different I can say I was pissed. I didn't understand. I was hurt. And both times led to life changing, better, ... life. It might be, though I have no idea, that both of you would be better if you opened the door.
Ah Taco fucking Bell.
My brother in law visited us from Tokyo a couple of times. I took him to all my favorite restaurants. Italian, Mediterranean, Mexican, Persian, American BBQ, Indian, Korean, etc etc. Fast food places, formal sit down places, and everything in between.
The place he kept wanting to go back to? Taco Bell. The place he keeps talking every time I visit Tokyo? Taco Bell.
I mean, I like Taco Bell too. But every time I look at some "cheesy stuffed burrito" and see 1000 calories next to it, I can't help but to think I can spend those 1000 calories much better elsewhere.
My brother in law visited us from Tokyo a couple of times. I took him to all my favorite restaurants. Italian, Mediterranean, Mexican, Persian, American BBQ, Indian, Korean, etc etc. Fast food places, formal sit down places, and everything in between.
The place he kept wanting to go back to? Taco Bell. The place he keeps talking every time I visit Tokyo? Taco Bell.
I mean, I like Taco Bell too. But every time I look at some "cheesy stuffed burrito" and see 1000 calories next to it, I can't help but to think I can spend those 1000 calories much better elsewhere.
I had a midlife crisis right around my 46th Birthday. I was happy enough with my life and my career path, but I had realized I was pretty much stuck as far as I could go. It wasn't bad, but it left me feeling "Is this actually it?" So I enrolled in getting a Masters degree in my field of study that will open up some doors for me or at least make it easier to get through them and motivate me to try for jobs that say they prefer/want them.
Not really a big mid-life Crisis, but it was a weird feeling working for 20 years in the IT field, getting to what I figured was my dream level job, or would have said so when I was 25, and then going.... "Um... now what? Just do this until I retire???"
Not really a big mid-life Crisis, but it was a weird feeling working for 20 years in the IT field, getting to what I figured was my dream level job, or would have said so when I was 25, and then going.... "Um... now what? Just do this until I retire???"
Turned 45 this year. And this year I've lost 45 lbs, got back into biking, and taken up forging and blacksmithing. Getting my health under control was my midlife crisis, and it is going well.
Nice work on the weight, Deedles!
On the forging/blacksmithing - are you doing it at home, or in a local shop?