Ladies and gentlemen, have you heard about this? The grand poobah of Tesla, yeah, that electric car guy, he's come up with a plan to solve his 'production hell' by having workers live at the factory. Live at the factory! I mean, why not? It's just one small step from working 24/7 to living there, right? It's like a never-ending episode of 'The Office', but with fewer laughs and more battery acid.
I can see the job listings now: 'Wanted: factory workers. Must be skilled in assembly line work, comfortable with minimal sunlight, and have a deep, passionate love for communal bathrooms. Previous experience in dystopian sci-fi novels a plus.'
And think about the company meetings. 'Alright folks, we've got good news and bad news. The good news is, we've cut down your commute to zero. The bad news? You now live in a place with more robots than windows. But hey, we're throwing in a free Tesla-branded pillow for your company bunk bed! And for an extra hour of work a day, you can upgrade to the pillow with less than 30% synthetic feathers!'
I mean, where does it end? Will they have a company store where you can spend your hard-earned wages on Tesla-branded groceries? 'Hey, Jim, I noticed you're eating the Elon Musk-branded cereal. How's that taste?' 'Like broken dreams and lithium batteries, Frank. Like broken dreams and lithium batteries.'
But let's be optimistic. Maybe it's not so bad. I mean, think about the team-building exercises! 'Alright everyone, for today's morale booster, we're going to see who can disassemble and reassemble a Model S the fastest. The winner gets a window seat for lunch! The loser gets reassigned to the new subterranean battery lab. Don't worry, the glowing is probably not harmful.'
It's a brave new world, folks. A brave new world where your boss doesn't just ask for your time and energy, but also for your soul and your preferred pillow firmness. I tell you, it's enough to make you miss the days when all they wanted was for you to show up to work on time and not steal too many office supplies. But hey, at least the company car is electric.
